Angst

I'm feeling rather muddled about piping at the moment. I went to one of the usual sessions yesterday. Not many of us, but I played 4 or 5 times. I was totally relaxed: not a wobble, not a tremor, not a single pounding heart-beat, not the slightest bit of clamminess on my hands.

I didn't necessarily play well. I began with Magersfontein, which was fine. Then I wanted to play Flett, but couldn't bring it to mind at all. I consider Flett to be one of the Old Faithfuls so why I couldn't play was a mystery. I did play, though: I played Dargai. I don't know why. I don't consider it t be ready for session playing. I don't know it well enough. Apparently my fingers felt they did, and not only did they play it they played at a fair old lick, with me calmly hanging on in there, trusting that they could manage it, which they did. It was a popular tune, though, and people joined in.

A little later I played My Home Town. After that I began, twice, on the King, but kept getting stuck. So, without batting an eyelid or feeling any sense of embarrassment, panic or stage fright of any kind, I laughingly went in to Flett. Why Flett appeared then when it wouldn't before I can't say. Again, the tune flew out at speed and people joined in. (The fan says that it's easier to join in with a faster tune. I don't understand this: for the purposes of picking and playing along a new tune by ear I should think speed was the last thing you wanted).

I got to the end, began on Bee, but couldn't hear myself play over the sound of the fan, so I stopped, again, without a tinge of embarrassment, self-recrimination etc.

I've been working with the chanter on Captain Grant, Murray and Dragon. I've listened to them over and over. It's such a good set and I love it. I can hum the tunes, separately or together, to order, I've had them in my head for days. And yet, and yet... Captain Grant has a rather gloomy air to him. Dragon and Murray don't sound well together. Captain Grant really needs his taorluaths. I've had to get the green book out and play slowly over and over, but it doesn't work.

Then the fan says fast and upbeat is what is needed for sessions, and somehow this trio don't fit that bill. Then I start to wonder what if I like to play other tunes, tunes that are not fast and upbeat? Who (or even, for whom) am I learning tunes? Is there a point in learning tunes that I don't play at sessions? Do I play for sessions or for me? I don't know. Should I abandon this trio, or keep plugging away?

What I do know is that two tunes, fast and upbeat, are trotting around my head a lot today: the Rock and a Wee Pickle Tow and The Blue Bonnets...